Sunday, June 25, 2006

Home Sweet Home!

Arrived in my driveway at 4:00 pm this afternoon, a shell of the man I was when I left. I want to do nothing but sleep for the next week. I'm absolutely exhausted. My head is spinning. We have so much to do now that we're back. Unpacking is getting pushed aside until I'm showered and rested... Perhaps next week.

Don't get me wrong. I had fun. I saw many things that made my chest swell up with pride to be an American. I'm glad we went but I'll be hard to convince to go back. It's just too much walking to enjoy to the fullest. I spent too much time thinking about the pain in my feet and back to really experience D.C. as it should be. A two week trip would be ideal because days could be shortened and one could take the city in small bites rather than choke it all down in 3 days.

So here's my a nutshell:

I know what the speed limit is!

Look at this jerk, he can't keep a constant speed...why doesn't he freaking move over?!


Sneaky cop! That was a good hiding spot!

It's not that hard to understand...don't ride in the left lane unless you're passing. If your passing, then PASS ALREADY and get the hell outta my way!

Is the car still moving??.....THEN WE'RE NOT THERE YET, so quit asking!

What do you mean this is the wrong hotel?

What did she just say? Was that English?

There's the hotel. Oh look, it has an IHOP inside.

Only one Elevator...Great. The other one is out of order.

Why is it always stuck on basement? Because the maid puts the elevator on hold while she's replentishing her supplies. Once one maid comes up, another goes down. This sucks.

Let's just use the stairs? What?? It's locked??? I can only use the stairs to go out but not in?? That crazy! I've been waiting on this damned elevator for 5 minutes now!

What did he just say? Was that Arabic?

One dollar for a 12 ounce can of Pepsi?? I'll just drink some water.

They don't air condition the building, just the rooms. The hallways are hot and so are the water pipes cold water from the tap....Just dandy....I'll go get some ice.

Broken...Why am I not suprised?

Excuse me sir, the ice machine on the 4th floor isn't working. What's that?....2nd floor ice machine is working? How convenient! 6 floors with no AC, no cold water, only one ice machine and one elevator that's always on hold in the basement! And I've only been here for 20 minutes...I can't believe you're only charging $90 a night for this should charge double...maybe then you could afford to fix some shit around here and quit asking me to "pardon the inconvenience." Wadical just drove 1000 miles to get here and wants some FWEEKIN WEST AND WEWAXATION DAMMIT!

I'll have the top sirloin cooked medium with a baked potato and brocolli, and I'll have sweet tea to drink. What?? no sweet tea? Oh yeah, I forgot you can't get sweet tea north of the Mason Dixon line....I think I'll have a coke then.

What did she just say? I can't understand her Pakistani accent.

Here's the Metro station!

$3.75 for parking? At last, something that's not that expensive! Lets park here.

Excuse me sir, how do you work this Metro ticket machine?

OK I think I got this train thing down pat. Let's ride!

Wow! Everything's so big!

That's beautiful.

Come on, son! Walk faster!

Excuse me sir, how long have you been in this line to get tickets to go inside the Washington Monument? Since 5 am!...It's 8:30!...Kids, we're not going inside the monument.

Man, I'm tired. Let's stop and rest.

My back is killing me.

Honey, I know you're feet are hurting...Daddy's feet are hurting too, just keep walking.

Say cheese!

I know it's gross, just put your arm around your sister so I can take the picture.....and smile, dammit!

The American History Museum! Look, kids....George Washington's uniform! Oh, and look, General Sherman's horse stuffed and mounted! Kids, this is Old Glory...the real Old Glory. It's the flag that inspired Francis Scott Key to write the Star Spangled Banner! Look at how big this battle ragged flag is. Neat, huh?...Kids?...Did you hear what I said?....Kids? Where is my family?

You mean to tell me, that parking is $3.75 but you don't take cash...only the fare card, which costs $5.00 and I must put a minimum of $5.00 on the card? So, even though I'll never use this thing again, I gotta pay a $3.75 parking fee with a $10 card?? You guys are criminals! Thats damned ridiculous!

Yes you have to get a shower. I know we're on vacation, but you still stink so get your little butt in the!

No, being in the pool doesn't count for a bath!

Are you ever gonna get out of that shower?....Hurry up! You've been in there for 20 minutes!

Lights out! I know we're on vacation but we're going to bed now. I don't care if you're not sleepy...pretend to sleep for all I care, just turn out that light.

Because we have to get up early in the morning! Since when is "Because I said sο." not a good enough reason to do what you're told?

I will not tell you guys again to get up! It's time to leave or we're gonna miss the shuttle to the metro station. Now get your tails out of that!

We missed the shuttle! Let's take a cab.

What did he say? All the cab drivers are Pakistani! I can't understand them even when they're speaking English!

$11.75! Holy crap! That's more than it costs two of us to ride the train all day long! What a rip off!

Hell no we're not giving him a tip!

Kids, don't stare at the scary man with the cup full of change.

Thanks for the directions sir, but I'm not giving you any money!

I don't know why they're camped out in front of the White House, baby. Maybe they have no jobs and nothing better to do than hold signs saying how irresponsible our President is.....Ironic isn't it?

Ironic, it means.......Oh, never mind.

OK, we've walked a long way to get to this National Zoo and there are no animals out on exhibit....what gives?

This lady keeps joking and bullshitting during the changing of the guard ceremony and she's pissin' me off! This is Arlington, dammit!....Hallowed Ground! Can you be reverent for one freaking moment of your worthless life?

This ain't no playground! Get your kids off that wall!

Some people have no respect for the sacrifice these men and women made, no wonder this country is in the shape it is. There are no more patriots!

The National Archives! Kids, this is where the Articles of Freedom like The Declaration of Independence, Bill of Rights and the Consitution of the United States are kept....everything that makes you and I free. Isn't that cool? Hurry, it's late....they're gonna close soon.

The Articles of Freedom! Kids isn't this neat? are the kids?

This theater is where Lincoln was shot and accross the street is where he was taken and eventually died. Here, let me take your picture in front of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah....I're tired. Smile dammit.

D.C. is pretty at night. Let's walk down to see the lights on the Lincoln Memorial.....Yeah, I'm tired too.....OK let's not.

I know there's a Metro station around here somewhere.

What? We're on the wrong train? But you said to get on this one! Where are we?

I can't wait to get home.

Shit, we overslept. Get up! Hurry, we gotta get on the road.

I know I'm speeding.

Get over, jerk!

Why does he keep hitting his brakes??

Look at this traffic! It's Saturday for goodness sakes! Where are all theses people going? This is like rush hour.

If this guy doesn't get off my tail, I'm gonna start speaking sign language to him.

Woo, Hoo! 700 miles in 8 hours! Check that out!.....Who's yer daddy? Yeah, baby, Yeah! King of the road, that's me. Have lead foot, will travel!

5 more hours and we're home I'm're driving.

Home Sweet Home! Welcome Back! Now hurry up and get that crap out of the car before we get soaked.