Monday, April 27, 2009

He giveth and He taketh away.... thank goodness!

Last week, I married a woman that God made just for me! Kelli surpasses anything I could have hoped for myself. God has given me a second chance in life and has started that second chance with an awesome display of His love for me so long as I keep Him at the front of my family. I stand in awe of how quickly and completely God has rebuilt my life into a magnificent testimony to His power and glory. What He has given me far exceeds that which He allowed to be taken away. I built what I lost on the proverbial shifting sands of faith in my own ability to control my life. I almost find it embarrassing that I mourned so pitifully over the loss of what had become such a pathetic monument to my own ability and will. But alas I rejoice from the top of my lungs at the incredible display of His mercy and goodness in what He has replaced it with! Our God is truly an awesome God and I am an unworthy recipient of his favored blessing.

I find myself asking Him lately, “What have I done to deserve such a generous gift?” The answer is, “nothing.” That’s what makes Him such a great God. I will never be worth all He has done for me. I can never earn His favor. He blesses me because He loves me, plain and simple. And the older I get, and the more times I am witness to this wonderful truth, the more I am amazed by it. It is when we are humbled that he exalts us. It is when we are weak that His strength shines through. It is when we are helpless that His power is so evident.

Last year was a tough year for me. I dealt with pain, rejection, betrayal and depression on a scale unprecedented in my 37 years. I was at my lowest, but fortunately for me, it was at that low and humble point in my life when pride and haughtiness were flung as far from my psyche as the east is from the west, paving the way for God to do a magnificent work in my life. I needed Him and I sought Him like I seek air to breathe because I knew in the deepest part of my heart that no one had the blueprints needed to put together the pieces of my broken spirit except the one who created it.

The shining bow on this gift He has given me was the speed with which it was delivered. I cannot cite any reason other than the fact that I was completely and utterly dependent upon Him for every aspect of my recovery and I trusted Him with every fiber I had left because it turns out that it is easy to die to one’s self and submit to His will when one has no strength or foothold with which to resist it. It was the right time and I was at the right place in my life to surrender completely to Him. And THAT is all it takes! God went to work, dropping one miracle after the next into my lap… chump change for Him… Life change for me! It was as if He were saying: “Look what I can do, when your will yields to mine!” “Look what happens to your pathetic empty cup when you get out of the way and let me work!” Truly it overflows!

I’ve taken no credit for anything. I’ve waved no flag, nor blown no horn of my own. And I believe that has been the key to ushering in all that He has done for me. Everything I have today is painfully obvious to all who know me, solely because of Him! And I’d give it all right back to Him if he required it of me because I have learned the hard way that I cannot create anything. Nor can I protect anything. If He is not in control, then no one is. The belief that I might be is nothing more than an illusion.

If anyone could look at my life and learn one thing from it, I pray it would be this: That if you are a Christian and you have placed or ranked anything in your life above God, either willfully or subconsciously, then it is THAT THING that you will lose control of every time and eventually lose altogether. Ten times out of ten, whatever that thing is, will be VERY important to you and because it is, it will hurt like the dickens when it’s gone. But God won’t stand for second place and you and I have absolutely no power of our own to safeguard anything that we treasure. If we truly want to protect it, we must surrender it to Him. Nothing we have is of our own accord. If we treasure anything, any person or any area of our life that we are not willing to give up for Him, then we usurp His will for our own and we are out of step. That goes for our friends our family, our jobs, our money, our homes and our very lives. When you give it all to Him, He sees to the needs and desires of your heart like no other can. Any good thing you think you can do or build for yourself is NOTHING compared to what God can do for you!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Caddies storming the pool! Oh my!

Everyone remembers this ‘80’s classic, right? …. RIGHT? Aw come on people? CADDYSHACK! The first one? The day the Caddies have been given access to the country club pool for exactly 15 minutes from 1pm to 1:15? They storm it like the bunch of inbred heathen invaders they are, terrorizing all of the prim and proper pool regulars. Misbehaving, cutting in line, breaking all the rules, making up their own. Just a general bunch of pests.
Ahhh, classic.

So “Why?” you might say? Why draw reference to such a seemingly insignificant Hollywood moment greater than 2 decades old? Well, my friend what comes around seemingly goes around. And I would submit to you that this is exactly what the Democrats, liberals, leftists, socialists and down right communitst have done to assert their authority as the keyholders of not only one, but all three houses. Dangling precariously out of reach of the few conservatives left who’ve not sold out to the dark side of the force only to have to hang themselves in the potter’s field later out of shame.

They’re just happy to be here, in so total control. They don’t know if it is, in fact, the “control” that provides some sense of satisfaction to their otherwise insatiable addiction to power so much as the twisting, writhing, conservatives so precariously positioned beneath their custom Italian leather wingtips. Both are so satisfying that they think they’ll just kick back their feet and stay a while!

What’s that you say?? Work to be done? Economy? War? Financial woes? Recession? (gasp even the great feared word … “depression?”) Oh my God, man! I just got here! It's party time! Time to see who sits in what chair and what color drapes get hung in what office.

Throw some money at it. That’ll work. Crack open the public coffers and pour out hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of Billions of dollars. Give it to whomever we owe the most favors to first, mind you but give it away. That’ll make the people happy. How will we pay for it all?? What?? Are you serious? Do you not know the answer to that question? Didn’t they teach you anything at Democrat elementary? Fist of all we'll blame it on the outgoing administration. Tell the American people we "inhereted" it all. Then, we’ll enjoy 8 years in the government, spending all we want on our pet projects. Robbing from the rich and “redistributing their wealth to the deadbeat poor”. Robbing equally from the military, social security and whatever pot we have the key to. We’ll load our union’s pockets with access to union only bids for infrastructure construction projects that probably aren't even needed in the first place but they'll make a whole lot of people happy because they got a $25 an hour job pushing a shovel and building a bridge to nowhere into the Everglades!

Then when it’s all over, we’ll lose the next election to the Republicans who will come in like a bunch of fuddy duddy, old farts, stamping out peoples celebratory cigars, and preaching of cut backs, tax cuts, and military strengthening. Real buncha party poopers those guys are. Pork and earmarks and pet project spending will be watched heavily but not cutback altogether and they will come up with a not so fun plan to bail us out of our spending spree. 8 years later, we’ll be back on the spring board ready to storm the pool again!! In the mean time we will have placed one or two new extremely liberal bench legislating Supreme Court Justices in office to ensure that Roe v. Wade stays firmly in place and we get a good start on whittling away that last boneheaded move they made about the second amendment! We'll be in good shape!

It’s a vicious circle, young grasshopper, but you too shall learn! That in the current state of affairs… one can’t live without the other. It’s the best kept secret in the beltway! Ha! Welcome to Washington! Want another Bahama Mama… ooh they’re great with those little umbrellas and that fruity little...

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Creaking hinges on the door. Light clicks on (amazing)... "Cough cough cough" from the dust. Sweep away the cobwebs.... Anyone still here?

I’m not dead. I have not been sent to Guantanamo Bay Cuba for stock piling too many guns. I am not in the Federal Witness Protection Program. I have not been deported, traded to some foreign intelligence community for a higher value dirt bag. And, to calm the anxieties of my more loyal readers who’ve feared the worst during my extended absence, I most assuredly have not been shanghaied into the indentured servitude of the dark, seedy and secretive (but extremely profitable) world of fat-bald-guy prostitution. Oh yeah we’re in demand baby! A posterior like this will fetch a pretty high dollar on the streets of Mosul Iraq, yes sir! Why a cute, white, infidel like me would literally be snatched of the street!

All joking aside, where have I been? Nowhere and everywhere, I guess. I’ve not left, physically. But I’ve been around the world mentally and emotionally. I’ve been healing, I guess you could say. And all the places one must visit in order to do that, I have been. The desolate isolation of Denial, the sweltering climates of Anger, the drowning desperation of Bargaining, the dark frigid valley of Depression and the healing spring of Acceptance. I’ve been fortunate to have the support of family and friends. I am even more fortunate still to have had my children, steadily by my side through it all. So many fathers are denied what, for me, has been a crucial key to my recovery. Having custody of my children has probably been the single most important factor to my mental health and stability this year.

I made it through. Actually I made it through long ago. The road that grief travels wasn’t especially difficult for me in retrospect. Through reading previous posts, you might have reasoned that I was in for a long haul! I would have agreed. You know, if you find where a man spends his time, you’ll find where he leaves his heart. I have been spending a great deal of my time with an angel. I know she’s an angel because God sent her. . . TO ME! She’s been a warm breeze that has carried away so many of my doubts and fears about what life would be like and what God had in store for me. Her strong Christian faith has been a pillar for my weary legs to lean against. Her gentle heart has been my refuge and her ability to put me first has made it so entirely easy for me to do the same for her. You may have deduced that it sounds like I might be in love. You would have deduced correctly! And don’t worry; the “rebound” was a quick and devious person who disappeared as quickly as she showed up as soon as she discovered I wasn’t “heir” to my family’s fortune. Good riddance. This person is who God promised me. This person is the one he groomed and designed just for me. And it appears that all my failures and successes, sorrows and elation, injuries and recoveries have served as a forging and tempering process to prepare me for her. And if she is my reward, then it was all worth it.

With prayer, pondering, discussions, arguments and careful consideration always measured with a healthy dose of love and affection, we have decided to marry! And so, this April, I will do what at no other time in my life I would have been properly prepared to do. My lessons have been hard-learned. My victories have been hard-won. My losses have been painfully hard-taken and my spirit, having been broken, has spent a hard time healing. But for it all, my head, my heart and my soul are stronger, more resilient, more flexible and more loving for having been put to the flame and forge of the Master Blacksmith. Finally, I will share my life with another who sincerely desires to share hers with me. Kelli is my soul mate, and I am a happy man!

Wadical fans may be happy to learn that the future “Mrs. Wadical” is a writer. Yes, a news editor to be exact and will be encouraging me to write. Perhaps there’s a few more years of ranting in these old bones after all. Stay tuned!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Sobbing Happy People Holding Hands

"Emotion"... Easy little word. Sounds harmless, doesn't it? It's just feelings right? Not so fast! Emotion is a very powerful thing. It can be much more than just "feelings". For some, it is their navigator. These people make no decision without being influenced by the weight of this mysterious baggage we must all tote around. They adjust their path to accommodate their emotion. All else must yield while the emotion at hand is felt and dealt with. It is quite a burden for friends and loved ones who are constantly dealing with this roller coaster of "feelings" manifesting itself in the stressed relationships of the person to whom "emotion" is all important and for these people, "emotion" is a handicap.

The spectral opposite of the emotionally navigated person is, well ... ME. I experience emotion, just like everyone else but I would not characterize myself as an emotional person. Feelings are a part of life. I believe it is what sets humans apart from all others. It is what makes us unique in the vastness of creation. Feelings are important. But I regard them as just that... "feelings". Dynamic symptoms of the perception of a situation that may neither be correct nor objective and that, no doubt, will change as will the symptoms themselves. We view the world from our own perspective. And the view from that perspective might very well be entirely different than reality. And so I and people like me, learn to disconnect ourselves from ever present "emotion" and at least attempt to be objective.

Emotional people are needy people. They constantly need to be coddled and reassured that they are loved and accepted. Likewise they feel the need to constantly coddle and reassure those around them. This can become quite tiresome for the non-emotional. They cling to one another like plaque. They seek each other out and form bonds and relationships that are just as dynamic and unstable as the emotions they are founded upon. They feel a need to "tame" the non-emotional, to convince them of their folly and convert them. To them, the non-emotional are on a lower plane of existence and are not as "enlightened".

But it is in a state of emergency that the emotional NEED the non-emotional. It is when they are powerless that they need someone with a level head who can punch through the emotional fog and lead them out. They will shout praises to your name and call you things like "hero" and "strong". These are the same people who later will call you cold and heartless. Contrary to the claims of the emotional, "non-emotional" does not mean "emotionless," but it is a perception none the less.

They love you when they need you because you are strong and level headed. They love to pile things on your broad shoulders and see you as a protector. But they hate you when they don't need you because you are dry and callous. They want you to change. In fact, they want you to be both! They want you to be emotional, in order to coddle them yet be able to turn it off and be non-emotional when toughness is required. "THEY" can kiss my ass! I will always view them as sheep and they will always view me as savage.

We are both wrong. And we are both right. So be it.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Thursday, August 28, 2008

"Hoplophobia"... what the hell is that? The beginning of the end of freedom, that's what.

Renowned firearms instructor Lt. Col Jeff Cooper coined a term in the early 60’s in an attempt to describe the manic nature in which gun control advocates attempt to apply an evil stigma to inanimate objects. This term, “hoplophobia”, is taken from the Greek words “hoplon” meaning weapon and “phobos” meaning terror. Of course Gun Control advocates despise this word, arguing that it is not a legitimate medical term but rather a political pejorative used to discredit certain individuals who desire only to protect human life by suggesting the existence of an irrational fear when, in fact, such a fear need not exist in order to adopt the political viewpoint that the manufacture, sale, possession and use of firearms be controlled, limited or forbidden altogether.

To be fair, it is important to point out that it is common for those on both sides of the political isle to discredit the other by using the age old battle tactic of accusing them of “xenophobia” or possessing an irrational fear of that which is unfamiliar foreign or unknown. The term, “hoplophobia” is no exception. But do you remember the terms “homophobia” or “Islamophobia” coined by the left and used to discredit those who would otherwise be at odds with gays or Muslims? Of course you do. It didn’t matter why one might be at odds with those groups of people, only that one was. Soon, those terms were flying off the lips of anyone who wished to dismiss the concerns of the another by assigning to them a term or label that carries with it the connotation that the person is in some way “irrational” and thus not worthy of expressing an opinion at all.

I happen to think it is a lazy way to argue one’s point and that a point, if one exists at all, is done an injustice if not obscured totally by refusing to argue it on its own merits. But sometimes the shoe fits and while it may not be true that all gun control advocates possess an irrational fear of guns, it is arguable that the methods by which they recruit others to their cause certainly involve the fostering of such an irrational fear. Guns are commonly presented as tools of evil and thus evil themselves and, as is true in so many political arguments originating on the liberal left, the concept of personal responsibility has taken a backseat to the practice of blaming others as enablers of a crime rather than to hold the criminal responsible for his or her actions. In other words, if Smith & Wesson, for example had not been allowed to produce a particular firearm, then Joe Shmukatelli would not have been able to perpetrate a crime with that firearm and thus Mr. Shmukatelli is not responsible for his heinous actions but rather Smith & Wesson instead. Likewise, if Bob’s House of Guns hadn’t sold that Smith & Wesson firearm to John Q Public, then Mr. Shmukatelli would not have been able to steal that firearm from Mr. Public and perpetrate a criminal act. So again, by the logic of the gun control activists, it is not Mr. Shmukatelli who is responsible for his actions but rather Bob’s House of Guns for selling the firearm and Mr. Public for buying it legally. Despite the fact that a four year old child could easily deduce the error in this logic, it persists none the less. The idea is peddled that it is not because evil people possess guns that evil itself is perpetrated but rather instead that guns themselves are evil and without them, no evil deed could exist. Therefore if guns are evil, then they are to be feared as evil’s source.

Cooper argued that "the most common manifestation of hoplophobia is the idea that instruments possess a will of their own, apart from that of their user." It is this fear of an object with no will of it’s own that makes that fear itself “irrational”. If gun control advocates are not peddling “hoplophobia” then why would it not make more sense for them to call themselves “criminal control activists” and focus their efforts on preventing and controlling the people who perpetrate evil rather than attempting to control the access to the tools they might choose to perpetrate it? What if those criminals chose to use knives, baseball bats, claw hammers or tomahawks? If there were a sudden exponential increase in the amount of strangling murders in a place, then by their logic, should not piano wire and rope and extension cords be outlawed? Of course not! But why not? Because there exists for these things, a legitimate need and use. In other words, because they are misused by one, does not mean that they should be prevented from being properly used by another. The Latin phrase, “Abusus non tollit usum” transliterated as “misuse does not remove use” has existed for centuries and addresses this very logic. It is an axiom which states that just because something can be, or has been, abused, does not necessarily mean that it must be, or always is. Abuse, therefore does not, in itself, justify denial of proper use. Apparently the Romans knew a thing or two about logic. Perhaps gun control activists should take note.

You see the proper use of a firearm as a defensive weapon is to defend against an attacker. Why do I have the need for such a weapon? Because criminals can and will always have access to an unstoppable source of weapons. Our national borders literally bleed with drugs. Countless local, state and federal law enforcement agencies are tasked with preventing the manufacture, trafficking, sale, possession and use of these illegal substances. Can anyone argue logically that they are making progress? Can anyone deny that if I were to desire to obtain these substances that, with the proper amount of cash, I could not in the span of an hour obtain them with virtual ease? Why then would anyone suggest that various forms of small arms and weapons would not then be just as easily obtained? Why would anyone argue that we have any greater hope of controlling the black market trade on firearms any more successfully that we can control that same black market in the trade of narcotics or any other illicit substances?

It is the age old nemesis of Gun Control. They can’t get past that one sticky wicket. The broken cog, if you will, in the wheel of gun control… the black market trade. Who hasn’t seen a bumper sticker or t-shirt emblazoned with the now cliché saying that “When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns?” It’s painfully overused and no less true because of it. How can they guarantee my safety if they would deny me the very means by which to keep myself safe? They can’t. They don’t. They don’t even touch this subject. You won’t hear an argument from them. They have chosen not to fight on this front because this is the front where Second Amendment Activists congregate en masse! But their agenda is no less important to them and in light of the recent US Supreme Court ruling that the Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms applies INDIVIDUALLY to every law abiding citizen of these United States, they realize the only way they can disassemble that right is to make people afraid to exercise it. How? By villainizing and stigmatizing the humble gun itself as evil from its inception. By fostering and pushing and irrational fear of that which is otherwise not understood to crowds of sheep who reject the concept of personal responsibility and who believe that it is the government’s function to attend to their every need.

Why would they want to do this? Are they stupid? The answer is “no”. They are not. They know exactly what they are doing. They understand their agenda and are banking that you do not! If they can make you fear exercising a right, then they can make you forfeit that right altogether. They know they can’t do it in one fell swoop. But they have a fantastic shot at it by attrition. One at a time! They’ll chip away at this right of ours little by little. They’ll continue to indoctrinate our children in the academic arena and send them off to reject that right themselves. And pretty soon, much sooner than you might imagine, the majority will believe that our Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms is antiquated, barbaric and unnecessary. The minority will be silenced and the Bill of Rights will cease to exist. Why? Because they don’t like guns? Because they honestly believe in the cause they sell to you and me as caring about the sanctity of life and wanting to protect it? NO! Because it ushers in yet another agenda that has been sleeping and lying in wait to take its place when you and I are no longer able to protect ourselves and our individual rights because we are disarmed. What is that agenda? It’s called SOCIALISM, folks! And this malarkey about you and I being safer with less guns in our hands is just a smoke screen to what they really want….and that is for this nation to be one of collective rights and not of individual rights; for the United States of America to be a nation of collective ownership and not of individual ownership; for our country to embrace the idea of collective thought and not individual thought.

If you don’t believe that then you are one of the sheep mentioned above. Ever notice that it’s the same players who are present in the anti-gun movement and the anti-God movement? Ever wonder why? Hmmm… because God doesn’t fit very well into socialism either. Disarming Americans removes from us the means by which we would resist a socialist revolution or even a slow moving socialist reformation. We want our individual rights and we would fight and die for them. They want their collective rights but they are not willing to fight and die for them. Revolution does not have to spill blood to be a revolution. It merely has to swiftly change the ownership of production. But revolution is not in their grasp so long as you and I are armed and so long as a conservative Supreme Court continues to uphold the individual rights in our Constitution. So for now, they are relegated to selling their own form of xenophobias like “hoplophobia” and “Christianophobia” to impressionable young Americans who don’t know any better because they were never taught the value of their individual freedoms in a socialist run academia. How long before you and I fight back??

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Onward through the night I ride...

I haven't spoken much lately. Not here. Not in this place. Because THIS place is the place I made. This is MY place. A place of order and of reason. Nothing that has happened to me lately can be given to stand for anything like order or reason, much less logic or justice. I place my thoughts into this arena to be read and scrutinized when I am sure that they have been properly considered and well cataloged in my mind. I use this place for, among other things, the ability to draw upon these volumes of thoughts and opinions and scrutinize them myself. "Was I right?" "Do I still feel that way?" "If I knew then what I know now, would I have still written that?"

I have to do these things so that there is continuity in my thoughts and opinions. I must be intimate with my own viewpoints enough that I know how I got here. How did I arrive at this place? Why do I feel the way I feel about this particular thing? How can I possibly defend my stance on anything if I cannot reasonably state that the views I have today are better, more reasonable, more logical and more evolved than the views I had yesterday? And so I come back and I read and I think and I digest the Jason of yesterday in order to become a better Jason tomorrow. For the most part, I am happy to report that it appears that my mother didn't raise a fool. Most of my opinions and viewpoints can be defended even easier today than at the time they were written. I seem to be a pretty well rounded fellow... but not always.

Those who read this blog on any sort of regular basis, know that I am a firm believer that anything under any circumstance can be categorized in one of two labels, "wrong" and "right". Well, last week, I was wrong and today, I shall endeavor to be right. People do things that knowingly hurt other people for none other than selfish reasons. It doesn't matter specifically why they did it, just that the answer to that question will be a reason that benefits the doer and not the recipient. Most people are selfish. When you get right down to it, the fact is we all are selfish. If I do something nice for you because it makes me feel good... is that act of selfLESSness not in fact derived out of selfISHness? Let me put it this way: If making you happy, makes me happy, then why do I do things to make you happy? To make ME happy! I'm not saying that every selfless act is rooted in selfish gain. Not the case at all. But I am saying that in almost all things we do, we consider first ourselves and how we will be affected. But better is the person who derives his own pleasure from that of another than he who would stand upon another in order to benefit himself. Both are philosophically selfish. But one promotes harmony and the other promotes discord.

I made the mistake of assuming that everyone is selfish and that that selfishness is always wrong. It is not. There are people out there who are good and wholesome and well rounded just as I fancy myself to be. My work tends to make me skeptical and distrustful of people in general and though I prefer to term myself as a "realist", the simple fact is that I have the tendency to be a "pessimist". I have met a few of these people this week. Good people. People like me who have been dealt a shit sandwich and have chosen to diet instead. And so I will try to restate my post below in a way that is befitting of the way I feel today.

Dating is not stupid. People need other people. We want to feel needed and valid and useful. Not everyone is out to only please themselves. Many people are and I have learned to be wary of them... more now than ever before. But most are just trying to find their way through the same dark woods I find myself in. Some don't know they are there. Others don't want to get out. Still others, like myself, trudge along hoping that all is not in vain and that we will find someone who seeks to meet the needs of another in order to have that person meet their needs in return and exit the darkness together. It may suck.... but it is most definitely not stupid. So onward through the night I ride...

Thursday, August 14, 2008

"Dear Love Diary, The End"

In the short amount of time I've been gone, I endeavored to "jump back on the horse", so to speak. I went out and searched for the perfect person to shit on me again! All I have to show for it is a lighter wallet. Oh, yeah I got a dumb t-shirt too. Dating is stupid. It's for kids and idiots. God help me learn to be single. I'm convinced he doesn't make great people anymore. They're all in wedded matrimony or in heaven. Everyone left that plays the field is in it to make one person happy... themselves.

So it's me and my yungins. New life and new focus. Close ranks and move the hell on without the stupid idea of falling in love again. I'm gonna buy a singles gig one day though. Some nice little restaurant or cafe for hopeless romantics to go broke in. Maybe one of those "online meeting places". I could charge people a hell of a lot of money to stay single! Dating has turned me into an asshole. I don't like who I've become with the added stress of having the ridiculous trait in common with another person that the only one we both seem to care about is them. Screw that.

Not to worry though. I'll be back soon with new "direction".

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

World's worst weight loss program

30 lbs in 30 days. Yep. I sweated out pound number 30 today. Stress is a natural appetite suppressant. I'm pretty sure 30 pounds in one month is not a healthy rate to lose weight, but it did need to come off. I bet I could count the meals I've eaten this month on two hands. My back feels better but my heart still hurts.

Had a 30 yard roll off dumpster delivered to the house and started filling it up with 18 years of stuff. Memories. A hell of a lot of them "good" memories. It's the small stuff you miss. A picture of the kids in day care with a real honest to goodness smile on their face. Good times. Tennis rackets and fishing rods. Clothes that "used to be cool". A 1967 Amana Radarange Microwave oven, a big ol' chrome plated monster bought used the year I was born. Still works, but I'm afraid to stand in front of it for fear it would nuke me sterile. Old rusty tools and even a love letter or two. Nobody wants the expensive family portraits that have hung on our wall for years now. Can't throw them away though. Books and papers. Homework that should have been turned in 3 years ago. Shoes...tons and tons of shoes. Holy crap I didn't realize how many shoes I'd walked in. But I'd give anything not to be walking in the one's I am now.

Lot of stuff in that dumpster outside. I'm 36 years old. That's HALF of my life out there! Part of me wants to rush out there and save it. Part of me can't wait until it's gone. Either way, there's 18 years and 30 pounds just melting away. 218 to go, and I'll be gone. Wonder how long that'll take? Lotta work left to do. Took a couple of weeks off of work to get my feet back under me. I'll be back when they show up.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

"... something about the duality of man… The Jungian thing, sir" - Joker

In the comment thread below, my friend Leonidas offered an alternative to the dark madness of Poe. "Vitae Summa Brevis Spem Nos Vetat Incohare Longam"-- "The brief sum of life forbids us the hope of enduring long". Both are a little dark I think. But I agree, life is short, why spend it crying over spilled milk, right? But "forever" is supposed to mean "forever" (however long that is) , not just until I'm tired of living up to my commitment to another. If "forever" is what I promised, "forever" is what I should give. It's what I was prepared to give and would give still. But the one thing I was supposed to be able to count on, I can no longer count on. So what can I count on? The "duality of man"?? The collective unconscious wins over the personal every time. Divorce has become way too easy and way too common. Pay some money, sign some papers, bada bing bada bang. You're free. Does anybody stand for anything anymore? Was I raised in a fairy tale?

One need only go back about a year to see a post similar to these. It was at that time that I saw divorce as imminent. We separated briefly but even then, I held on to hope. And reconciliation came against all odds. The past year has been pretty happy, at least for one of us. I fancy myself an intelligent fellow. Am I that easily duped? Or did I just want it to be so badly that I would lie to myself to make it so? Either way, reality has slammed down on me like a ton of bricks. Which is OK except for the fact that I never saw it coming.

I guess what's different this time is the finality of it all... its conclusiveness. For the first time in 18 years of marriage, I feel no urge to fight to hold everything together. I have acknowledged its inevitability without yet accepting. I don't even know how I got here. My head is spinning trying to make sense of it all but there's no sense to be made. Painful in many ways, I'm not sure what hurts more, "missing her" or "not being missed by her". Both are a knife in the gut.

Quoting "dark" poetry isn't my way of pouting. It's just a way of summing up into someone else's eloquently stated words, an emotion I'm not all too familiar with. In "The Raven", Poe lamented over his lost "Lenore" and his ending was indeed bleak. But I thought that particular verse appropriate given my state of mind at the time. The "aloneness" can be crushing at times. I know there is light over the horizon but for now, I see no horizon. So onward through the dark I tread, fearing all the while, the horizon will never come. "Hopeless" seems to sum it up for today.

"Through me you pass into the city of woe:
Through me you pass into eternal pain:
Through me among the people lost for aye.

Justice the founder of my fabric mov'd:
To rear me was the task of power divine,
Supremest wisdom, and primeval love.

Before me things create were none, save things
Eternal, and eternal I endure.
All hope abandon ye who enter here."

(sounds better in Italian)

Of course Dante was talking about "hell"... Sounds a bit like "divorce". Or was it marriage??