Friday, August 04, 2006

Door #1: A trip to Walmart , Door #2: Being caned in public....I'll take Door #2.

Attention, Walmart shoppers: For the inconvenience of all of our customers, please feel free to congregate in the isles.

Attention, Walmart families: Please bring your entire extended family to our store. We realize this is the highlight of your week. Don't worry about those people behind you, by all means walk abreast of one another.

Attention, Walmart moms: Please leave your children unattended. Consider our store, their playground.

Attention, Walmart patrons: When pushing your buggy, please don't hesitate to leave it right in the middle of the isle while you meander through our excellent selection of canned foods.

Attention, Walmart customers: We want your visit with us to last you all week. Please try to avoid brisk walking in favor of a slow stroll, like a walk in the park. After all, you're not in a one else must be either.

Attention, Walmart "Self Checkout" cashier attendant: Please abandon your post. When the little red light starts blinking and the computer is telling our faithful patron to "please wait for assistance" we want you nowhere to be found.

Attention, Walmart night stock person: Drop that pallet. Drop it right there. No, not there......there....yes....right in the middle of the isle. That's nice.

Attention, Walmart parking lot motorist: You deserve the best. Nothing else will do. Screw those people behind you. We'd prefer you wait for that woman who has $1400.00 worth of groceries to unload those bags one by one into her vehicle, and then dutifully return her shopping cart to the cart corral before returning at a snails pace to her car, adjusting the air conditioner, checking her makeup, and finally, after putting her cell phone to her ear and with all the skill of a blind man, slowly backing her giant SUV out of her parking space...that valuble piece of real estate which you, oh patient one, will now occupy.....all so that you can be 50 feet closer to the friggin door!

Attention, pampered Walmart housewife: Why should you walk? Have your spouse drop your lazy ass right at our front door. Take your time. It's your world and YOU are at its center.

Attention, Walmart pedestrian: Don't bother unzipping your fly so you can see where you're going due to your head being so far up your ass. It's just a car. It has brakes! When you get ready to cross, just step blindly into oncoming traffic. You got the RIGHT OF WAY, by gawd!

Attention, Walmart guests:We know you just spent half your paycheck on those groceries but we'd like you to pause before exiting so that our friendly Walmart greeter can check your receipt and the contents of your buggy to ensure that you're not stealing from us.

Attention, Walmart Security Guard...Oh, I'm sorry...I mean Security OFFICER: You should've been a cop. Everyone knows it. You've got the swagger of a true enforcer. This is YOUR parking lot! You're "The Man" here. You are entrusted with great responsiblity. So hitch up your belt, brush the Cheetos off your shirt, turn on your little yellow flashy light and hassle that man who's trying to load up his new wheel barrow in the fire lane. After all, rules are rules.

Attention, Walmart redneck: You're used to the wide open spaces on which you've situated your fine double wide trailer. Why should you expect any less here? You need room for that big assed 4 wheel drive! Can't just cram those 40 inch Super Swampers into a single parking space now can we? Take two spaces!

Attention, Walmart manager: It's 7:30 pm on a Friday. Your store is packed. There are 120 customers waiting to check out. Don't bother opening another register...they can wait....they always do.

I could do this all night long. The list goes on. I hate Walmart. I hate it! Why do I keep returning, like a moth to a bug zapper? I know I'm gonna get zapped yet it's drawing me in like a mysterious black hole! Somebody stop me!