Thursday, March 01, 2007

Self discovery...sometimes it sucks.

I've discovered something about myself. Something I'm not very comfortable with. I'm not sure I understand it. I'm not sure why it bothers me so much. It's not that uncommon. It's just uncommon for me. Being "alone" has never been an issue I've had to face. I've never had to deal with solitude. I'm a social creature. I need conversation, companionship...the simple comfort of another's presence.

Why? I don't know, but I've been incredibly surprised to find myself bereft of my characteristic poise. (No arrogance intended, seriously) I've just always possessed a particular assurance of manner. My ability to confront, cope with, or handle adversity certainly has not always come easy, but it has always come. For the first time in my life, that's not the case. Now, I find myself dealing less tactfully with others. I find myself short of patience and, more astonishingly, short of words. Those who know me will grasp the gravity of that statement.

I'm less confident and I think it is because I've been faced with an adversity that I cannot defeat, cannot overcome, and cannot even seem to effectively cope with. I'm alone and it is uncharted territory. I won't call it fear...but I certainly don't like it. It's a problem for me, and it's pervasive. It has seemed to percolate down through to some seemingly unrelated areas of my life. I don't know what comes next...anger, resentment, withdrawal, reclusiveness, depression? The future has always been uncertain but that has never bothered me...until now.