Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Gimme a hug, dude!

Today was slow. It's amazing what subjects come up when dispatchers have nothing to do. Today's subject was the differences between men and women. One particular note of interest was that women are just more affectionate towards one another than men could ever be comfortable with. They hug and nuzzle and hug some more and no one even thinks twice about it. It's commonplace. It's normal. Females embracing is almost never looked at as "funny business".

Now, remove female and insert male and you got a very different social structure. I don't care who the hell you are, you'd do a double take at two dudes a kissin' and a huggin'. It just ain't right. You ain't gotta be "phobic" to feel damned uncomfortable around it. It's just the way things are. I don't remember when we learned it. I'm not even sure we did "learn" it...it's just natural for guys to be "hands off" around one another. We like it that way. There are some occasions where it is acceptable for dudes to hug, but it is always quick, never lingering and never accompanied with a kiss....never. Αnd, most importantly, all male to male embraces will strictly adhere to the policy of delivering the "I'm not a fag" double back slap. Hugging with closed fist instead of open hand is an acceptable substitute for this policy, though I recommend the double back slap (The huggee can't see the fist but can feel the reassuring "double back slap" and will know that, although you are in his arms...you don't wish to be there.) If you lay your head on his shoulder, you might as well reach down and grab his ass.

Dudes don't sit together. I don't know why, we just don't. Think I'm bullshittin'? Go to the DMV or some other place with lots of chairs for people to wait in and just watch. Two guys can be best friends....they can be brothers for cryin out loud and unless there is absolutely no other alternative, when they sit down in a row of chairs, there will always be the "I'm not a fag" chair between them. It's subconscious. It's natural. No one notices. No one really cares, but it's true. Many guys will go as far as to choose to stand rather than sit in the one empty chair remaining. Women? Totally different. If they're friends, they're gonna sit right smack next to each other. They'd sit in each other's laps if they could and I doubt anyone would think ill of it. Yep, big row of empty chairs and women prefer to sit shoulder to shoulder, like it'd be some kinda insult or something if they didn't. The other day I saw two guys at a restaurant together, sittin' in the same booth. No big deal 'sep they were sittin on the same side! I'm sorry, but it just looked wierd. It ain't right. It ain't natural. These dudes stuck out like a couple of drag queens at the Whataburger. Everyone noticed. I don't know, I guess it violated some naturally accepted social law or something.

At birth, males are issued a body bubble. Other males just know to stay the hell out. We don't have to broadcast it or advertise it. We just know. I'm sure other cultures are different, but here in the southern US of A....you leave the touchy feely crap to the women. If you don't....you might as well be wearin' panties!